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rollingheart: (Natalie grass)
I think the Aspie bit is more interesting and impactful than the Asexuality bit. On the latter, I don't believe it's so extreme as to dislike or avoid sex. It's just that I don't look at people that way. Demisexuality is a possibility (attraction once a personal relationship is established). In the end, I don't think it matters that much. Still up for sex in the end. LOL

It's weird to read back through the cognitive functions and be able to pick out the aspects that reflect aphantasia or AS. No wonder it's confused me so much. Like Ni...Something like "a lot of thought takes place unconsciously". Well, yea. I'm NOT a visual thinker because I can't be. I don't even know what that means. Most of my thought process feels 'hidden' from me, and it takes awhile to go from a vague impression to actual words. But I don't have Ni. That's aphantasia. Fi seems very Aspie like to me, but I think that comes down to not comprehending a lot of social rules. I have my own way of looking at how people should act and how things should be, and I don't really understand what's expected of me at times. That's not Fi though.
I took the Love Languages test. It says Quality Time and Receiving Gifts, but the gifts thing was only because I didn't care for the other option I had on those questions. All of the physical touch questions were either geared towards "in public" or "just anyone I love". I would say:

  1. Quality Time (I just like being with people. No need to be or do anything special, just spend time together.)

  2. Physical Touch (with an SO, I can be like glue. Friends/family, I tolerate because of what it signifies, although I do NOT like being kissed outside of an SO. Outside of that...eh...)

  3. Acts of Service (I find it touching when someone does something for me because I said I liked 'such and such' because it shows they actually listened to me. Even if it's dorky little things.)

  4. Receiving Gifts (Again, I like small, meaningful gifts that actually reflect a relationship or personality. I get uncomfortable when showered with lots of gifts...like I need to reciprocate SOON or maybe this person wants something from me.)

  5. Words of Affirmation (I don't dislike it...I feel very awkward with it. If someone is prone to saying a lot to me (like a love letter), I start to feel very stressed over how to reciprocate.)

MBTI has been readjusted to INTP. I need a big flashing sign: "The fact that you're questioning again is proof you're INTP!" But...I want to re-analyze until I go crazy. D: Or get a headache.
rollingheart: (Natalie grass)
I listened to the first 3 chapters of Knowing God by J.I. Packer this morning on the way to work. Good so far. I actually feel pretty joyful since figuring this crap out. I felt bad in the past for obsessing about things and then losing interest, but it's just the natural ebb and flow for me. Take advantage of it while I can, and then patiently wait for things to loop back around.

I still think MBTI is pointless right now. I've tried reconsidering my type, but things aren't clicking yet. Not to mention the whole thing gives me a headache to think about it, so it's not time anyway. I'll just go on being myself, and we'll see what jumps out?

I was thinking maybe the BHA and AHA doesn't do much for me because I'm not using a ph adjusting toner first like I'm supposed to. I ordered one. XD If that still doesn't do much, I may look into some other kind of acid. I'm intrigued at the possibility using it to help prevent clogged pores. Retinol is interesting, but learning that you can't wax skin while using it is kinda annoying. I like to wax my eyebrows. (Retinol thins the skin, so you might rip off skin while waxing...Hell no. D: ) But then I wonder if I should be ripping wax off of my skin anyway. Tweezing might be better in the long run.

One of the things Craft mentions in Everyday Aspergers is how she doesn't feel like she's beautiful unless she looks AMAZING with no makeup or special hair styling etc. I doubt it has anything to do with AS, but I feel the same way. I think that's why my nails peeling bothers me so much. They should look perfectly amazing when I remove my polish! You know, instead of sucking it up, and babying my nails with strengthening polish like a normal person.

rollingheart: (a new path)
Sometimes when I get obsessed with something and research like crazy, it feels like I'm waking up from a dream and stepping out onto a new planet when I get done. Or maybe I'm a bit different from all I've learned. Who knows. It's the same feeling I have after sitting in a movie theater for 2 hours and coming out into the bright sunlight afterwards.

I see there are two approaches to the whole Aspie* thing. 1) You're mentally ill because your brain works differently. 2) You just think differently because your brain is different, and there's nothing wrong with you. Of course, the latter is best. It doesn't make sense to categorize it as mental illness unless it seriously hampers one's ability to interact with the world. In that sense, it's like homosexuality. If homosexuality is caused by a difference in brain structure (I don't remember if this idea has been discarded or what), then what's the difference with Aspergers? Same goes for Aphantasia. I suppose this is where the term neurodiversity comes in. I'm not crazy. I'm not going to think I'm Jesus reincarnate or think I can fly off of a rooftop (you know what I mean). I'm not going to think everyone is out to kill me. That is mental illness.

*I kind of like this term best atm. It sounds more like a type of person rather than an illness.

All this is forcing me to remember how I used to be, how I have adapted my behavior to get by easier with other people. All of my life I've had this need to learn and do things the right way, but I think along the way it's shoved down a lot of my personality, especially the things that have drawn people to me in the past. I'm sure there's some kind of balance.

Like I mentioned before, this makes me feel the need to reassess MBTI. I'm a bit confused. Charity had one post tagged for aspergers, a question post. She talks about it's still the same thing of focusing on thought process and not behavior. (And then you have other people who say you can't apply MBTI at all to those out of the norm.) I guess the confusion comes from seeing how many things I do correlate to NT types. Perhaps that's the behavior part. But I know as a teen--before I got really far along with adjusting myself to others--I routinely typed as xNFP. I even took the official MBTI test when I was about 15-16 and got ENFP. I think if I act like I feel on the inside, that is very accurate. But on the outside...I come off as NT. I'm not good at showing empathy. I can feel it all day long, but how to show it is a mystery to me. (The most recent example of this was the shellshocked woman who came into the vet after seeing her kitten run over by a car. That was painful.) I express myself in a logical, emotionless manner MOST of the time. I do what makes sense. The whimsy part usually comes out in poetry or other artistic efforts. Or in pointing out things that interest me. I like to point out pretty colors, flowers, interesting items in stores (my mom always thought I was trying to get her to buy things, and it pissed her off to no end. LOL I just thought it was interesting!). I think one of you described me as childlike yet pensive once, and that's pretty accurate.

I could see Aspergers actually being very Fi. Having a peculiar way of seeing the world and approaching life and not really being able to do it from the usual way.

Thinking back to the Spencer Reid comparison, I think he's actually typed as INTP heavily leaning to INFP since the actor himself is INFP.
rollingheart: (aspie)

By Samantha Craft of Everyday Asperger’s, March 2012

This is a non-official checklist created by an adult female with Asperger’s Syndrome who has a son with Asperger’s Syndrome. Samantha Craft holds a Masters Degree in Education. Samantha Craft does not hold a doctorate in Psychiatry or Psychology. She has a life-credential as a result of being a female with Asperger’s Syndrome and being a parent of a child with Asperger’s Syndrome. She has created this list in an effort to assist mental health professionals in recognising Asperger’s Syndrome in females.

This list was compiled after nine years of readings, research, and experience associated with Asperger’s Syndrome. More information can be found at aspergersgirls.wordpress.com © Everyday Aspergers, 2012. Summarized into ten female Asperger’s traits, visit everydayaspergers.com/2012/02/10/aspergers-traits-women-females-girls/

Suggested Use: Check off all areas that strongly apply to the person. If each area has 75%-80% of the statements checked, or more, then you may want to consider that the female may have Asperger’s Syndrome.

Read more... )

rollingheart: (aspie)
(ASD = Aspergers)

Sometimes I fear talking about this kind of thing because I have the feeling everyone thinks "oh here she goes again..." Or maybe I feel that way because I have this need to jump on an answer RIGHT NOW, and I end up restarting, changing, etc so many times. I want to reach the final destination, and really it's the journey, etc, all that jazz.

I came across something or someone the other day mentioning a connection between obsessions and Aspergers. This caught my eye because we all know I am definitely prone to obsessions. I am in the midst of at least two at the moment: skincare and a certain celeb (haven't talked about the latter, I avoid mentioning those). (Actually 3 if I count investigating Aspergers.) Whatever it is will consume all of my free time, energy, and thoughts (and often, money XD) until suddenly I've had enough, drop it, and then get really irritated if I'm forced to keep interacting with the obsession. When I'm done, I'm DONE. For now. Which seems to be the MO for obsessions and Aspergers.

As I'm on Reddit so much, I looked up the Aspergers subreddits (aspergers and aspergirls), and found some links to tests considered highly accurate. Which I passed with flying colors as "highly neurodiverse". The one pointed as most accurate gave me a 155 score. The threshold value for suspected ASD is 65. LOL Average score for female ASD is in the 140s. This has happened on every test so far.

I haven't really talked about it a lot, but there are so many things that confuse me about other people, and this would help explain why. It would explain why I have always had difficulties making friends. I remember in school I would become fascinated with a certain person and learn everything about them, trying to stay close to them. I think I creeped them out. XD I rarely made friends, and often times the people who tolerated me were abusive. The period where I had all of those homeschoolers on my LJ was really unusual, and I pretty much fell into that group by accident. (And then slowly lost everyone.) The only time I've ever liked and been totally comfortable being touched by someone was when I was with Leif. That was also the only time I felt comfortable flirting. Otherwise, I hate it. I don't know what's going on, what I'm supposed to do, or what the other person's intentions are. Apparently super heavy periods are common with ASD (what?). Read about stimming, I do that. Biting lips, inside of cheeks to the point of sores, curling my toes, waking up the middle of the night to find myself stroking one arm (hard to explain), telling myself the same stories repeatedly, repeating the same prayers, when I was a kid I tied lanyard cording in slipnots ALL the time. This is also probably why I enjoy making jewelry or crochet at times: repeating the same task so my mind is freed to think. I think I may be more sensitive than usual to touch and other sensations. Something else that got my attention is changing sensitivities or perceptions. For instance, I can look at Puff one minute and he looks like a vibrant orange color. Look again a little while later, and he looks really dull orange. Water temperature changes. Skin product reactions! Be okay, react one week, back to ok, etc. I overshare. Ask me how I am, and I'll probably give you several paragraphs. I'm not good at talking about others. Everything relates back to myself and what I'm doing. I've gotten better, but I really prefer talking about whatever is consuming me at the moment. I could go on and on. :\

Apparently ASD women are better at learning to blend in and look more normal. Even down to appearances though..That's something I've had to learn. Occasionally I've been startled by seeing pictures of myself and realized I needed to learn to dress/etc differently in order to look more normal. I've had to learn the right way to interact with people...Oftentimes it feels like I'm going through a set script, which I am. I was worse about strictly adhering to such a thing when I was younger, and I could tell people thought I was a little odd for it.

I'm a little blindsided atm and reading whatever I can find. It feels like the aphantasia thing all over again. I suppose it could all be wrong, but...?

And if it's wrong, I'll figure it out.

Biting/peeling my lips
Biting the inside of my mouth until bleeding or sore
Chewing gum
Fiddling with beads on necklaces
Tying lanyard lace into slipnots
Drawing my fingers on my arms
Pulling my brows and eyelashes
Picking my face
Cutting my hair
Swaying while standing
Constantly rocking if in a recliner
Flapping my arms when frustrated (my parents: "look! She's going to take off!!")
Telling myself the same story repeatedly
Praying the Lord's prayer repeatedly
Chewing fingernails (when I was younger)
The whole sensory experience of flowers and plants
Smelling cloves, incense, wood fire, etc.

Maybe also the uncontrollable trembling/teeth chattering when I've gone to church. And the uncontrollable crying during serious, unpleasant conversations.


rollingheart: (Default)

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