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rollingheart: (aspie)
[personal profile] rollingheart
(ASD = Aspergers)

Sometimes I fear talking about this kind of thing because I have the feeling everyone thinks "oh here she goes again..." Or maybe I feel that way because I have this need to jump on an answer RIGHT NOW, and I end up restarting, changing, etc so many times. I want to reach the final destination, and really it's the journey, etc, all that jazz.

I came across something or someone the other day mentioning a connection between obsessions and Aspergers. This caught my eye because we all know I am definitely prone to obsessions. I am in the midst of at least two at the moment: skincare and a certain celeb (haven't talked about the latter, I avoid mentioning those). (Actually 3 if I count investigating Aspergers.) Whatever it is will consume all of my free time, energy, and thoughts (and often, money XD) until suddenly I've had enough, drop it, and then get really irritated if I'm forced to keep interacting with the obsession. When I'm done, I'm DONE. For now. Which seems to be the MO for obsessions and Aspergers.

As I'm on Reddit so much, I looked up the Aspergers subreddits (aspergers and aspergirls), and found some links to tests considered highly accurate. Which I passed with flying colors as "highly neurodiverse". The one pointed as most accurate gave me a 155 score. The threshold value for suspected ASD is 65. LOL Average score for female ASD is in the 140s. This has happened on every test so far.

I haven't really talked about it a lot, but there are so many things that confuse me about other people, and this would help explain why. It would explain why I have always had difficulties making friends. I remember in school I would become fascinated with a certain person and learn everything about them, trying to stay close to them. I think I creeped them out. XD I rarely made friends, and often times the people who tolerated me were abusive. The period where I had all of those homeschoolers on my LJ was really unusual, and I pretty much fell into that group by accident. (And then slowly lost everyone.) The only time I've ever liked and been totally comfortable being touched by someone was when I was with Leif. That was also the only time I felt comfortable flirting. Otherwise, I hate it. I don't know what's going on, what I'm supposed to do, or what the other person's intentions are. Apparently super heavy periods are common with ASD (what?). Read about stimming, I do that. Biting lips, inside of cheeks to the point of sores, curling my toes, waking up the middle of the night to find myself stroking one arm (hard to explain), telling myself the same stories repeatedly, repeating the same prayers, when I was a kid I tied lanyard cording in slipnots ALL the time. This is also probably why I enjoy making jewelry or crochet at times: repeating the same task so my mind is freed to think. I think I may be more sensitive than usual to touch and other sensations. Something else that got my attention is changing sensitivities or perceptions. For instance, I can look at Puff one minute and he looks like a vibrant orange color. Look again a little while later, and he looks really dull orange. Water temperature changes. Skin product reactions! Be okay, react one week, back to ok, etc. I overshare. Ask me how I am, and I'll probably give you several paragraphs. I'm not good at talking about others. Everything relates back to myself and what I'm doing. I've gotten better, but I really prefer talking about whatever is consuming me at the moment. I could go on and on. :\

Apparently ASD women are better at learning to blend in and look more normal. Even down to appearances though..That's something I've had to learn. Occasionally I've been startled by seeing pictures of myself and realized I needed to learn to dress/etc differently in order to look more normal. I've had to learn the right way to interact with people...Oftentimes it feels like I'm going through a set script, which I am. I was worse about strictly adhering to such a thing when I was younger, and I could tell people thought I was a little odd for it.

I'm a little blindsided atm and reading whatever I can find. It feels like the aphantasia thing all over again. I suppose it could all be wrong, but...?

And if it's wrong, I'll figure it out.

Biting/peeling my lips
Biting the inside of my mouth until bleeding or sore
Chewing gum
Fiddling with beads on necklaces
Tying lanyard lace into slipnots
Drawing my fingers on my arms
Pulling my brows and eyelashes
Picking my face
Cutting my hair
Swaying while standing
Constantly rocking if in a recliner
Flapping my arms when frustrated (my parents: "look! She's going to take off!!")
Telling myself the same story repeatedly
Praying the Lord's prayer repeatedly
Chewing fingernails (when I was younger)
The whole sensory experience of flowers and plants
Smelling cloves, incense, wood fire, etc.

Maybe also the uncontrollable trembling/teeth chattering when I've gone to church. And the uncontrollable crying during serious, unpleasant conversations.
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